121 Days

This afternoon, I decided to pull out my Wii Fit Plus and Balance Board and do a little moving and shaking. I was feeling so proud that I had taken that step...after all, it's been a little while. I made up my mind that I was going to do some low impact stuff, and have a 200 calorie burn goal. I was feeling motivated.

I'm not sure what it is about my Wii Fit Plus program. I think I may need to send it back to the manufacturer. It seems to have some sort of glitch - that glitch being a serious personality problem. This thing says things that aren't socially acceptable ALL THE TIME. I mean, it will say, "OH! That's OBESE!" and "Do you find yourself tripping when you walk?" routinely. Well, today, it officially discouraged me.

I got my program up and running, and went to do some of my initial start up things. You have to weigh in (and it freaked out on me because I'm at a gain since the last time I was on it). Then you have to do the tests to determine your "Wii Fit Age" - and it was mostly kind since today my tests resulted me an age of 33, which is only +3 years above my actual age, but it did tell me that I need to work on my balance again. Then...it dropped the bomb. It asked me if I had noticed my tummy feeling tighter. (Press A) Followed by, "Oh! Let me think...It's been...121 days since your last session." Really, Wii? REALLY?! Did that sarcasm just come out of you?? Translation: "Is your tummy feeling tighter? Um no, because you're slack." Nice.

I'll be honest with you...if I had just a little less self-control, I would have drop kicked a Wii right there on the spot. Here I was, feeling encouraged because I was blocking out some time to do some official calorie burn, and this damn thing was insulting me because it had been 121 days since the last time I used it.

And then it hit me. [Enter Ah Ha Moment Here]

I had just allowed an inanimate object to discourage me. What in the world was I doing?! So what?

Yes, It has been 121 Days since I used my Wii Fit Plus. No, I didn't reach my logged weight loss goal the last time I had logged in. Yes, I was at a four pound gain from that day. Yes, I'm obese.

The fact is, my body today is a direct result of my decisions yesterday. So, my decision to get some additional movement today will directly affect my body tomorrow. And my decisions tomorrow will directly affect the future me.

Focusing on the past...past bad decisions, past insults, past failures...those won't get me to my goals. In fact, they will most likely hold me back from them. However, focusing on the present will directly affect my future. Deciding to make good choices at this meal, or to pull out the Wii Balance Board, or to go walking with a friend instead of meeting for lunch...making one good choice at a time will get me there.

Who knew that an insult from a stupid gaming system could cause such a revelation?! Oh! And I got my 200 calorie burn on! 206, to be exact. Broke a sweat. Did some good stuff for my body. So, Wii, Thank you. I think...

Confession: I Love To...

Confession: I love to dance. Did you hear me? I LOVE to dance. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to dance. I'm actually not bad at it. Don't get me wrong...I'm no Ginger Rogers, but I can keep a beat and follow some simple steps. I'd love to learn to swing dance. And salsa. And hell, let's be honest, I think it would be cool to know how to work a pole, not that I want to do it for a living or anything. But that's not all I love. I love to play tennis. I love to play volleyball. I love to go hiking. I love to run.

But here's the thing: I don't do any of those things. As I sit and reflect on this, the excuses are flying through my head. I'm too out of shape to run and hike. I don't have anyone to play tennis and volleyball with. I get sideways looks and rude comments made when I dance (You would be amazed the things that have been said about me dancing out places because I'm not a size 6. Apparently it's offensive and laughable for a girl my size to want to move her hips.) out places.

It's a bit crazy to me that I have allowed my weight, and the stigma that comes along with it, to stop me from doing things that I LOVE to do. On one level, I get it. I would have to or I wouldn't have allowed it to happen. But on another, I'm so perplexed as to how I have allowed this to happen. Common sense should have kicked in year ago: I love to do things that are active. If I do things that are more active, the weight will slowly go away, as well as the stigma that comes with it. When the weight goes away, I'll be more in shape and more able to do the things I love. It's win/win. What have I been thinking??


So, I've decided to ditch the excuses, and start doing the things I love. I'm gonna shake my derriere, and hope I don't hear the comments (and TRY to filter them out if I do). Though I can't run yet, I can definitely walk. No more excuses. No more craziness. Tennis anyone??

Insides: Exposed

Well...here we go again. Take Two. Or is it Take Twenty? Who knows. I've completely lost count. Regardless of the number of stumbles, some of which were followed by enormous falls, this is me...getting back up...again.

Emotionally, on a scale of unstable to stable, I would say I'm wobbly. Not that I'm going to leap off a cliff or melt down into a puddle of tears at any moment - really...I'm good. But I think if all of us are being honest, our emotions vary from day to day, and even minute to minute. I'm definitely in that realm.

Needless to say, the knee injury I had last summer threw me almost completely off track. I didn't go TOTALLY wild. I did still attempt to make SOME healthier choices. But rather than following an 80/20 rule, I was following more of a 40/60 rule. And since this seems to be the confess your sins and be washed hour, I will admit - I felt abandoned. It seemed as though as soon as everyone realized I was down for the count, they gave up on me. Whether that's real or imagined, it was discouraging. I felt like a failure. Again.

One night late this summer, I laid awake at 2 am in the silence with my mind racing. I finally decided it may help to journal my thoughts. I pulled out my blackberry, opened a notepad, and started typing. This is the result:

"Sometimes this weight loss journey can be so daunting. I feel as though it is such a mountain to climb, that I may as well weigh 800 pounds. Each day I watch that stupid scale fluctuate, and though it has generally overall trended downward, it is still so frustrating to see the arduously slow pace in which the weight is actually coming off. It seems to be so much work and frustration to be rewarded with a loss of 0.2 of a pound one week, only to gain 0.1 the next. It's maddening to know that my goal weight is years - YEARS - away.

The old saying of two steps forward, three steps back seems to come to mind often, though I'm fully aware it's actually more like three steps forward, two and a half steps back. It's those two and a half that haunt me when I lie down at night to sleep.

The thoughts slowly start to invade my mind. I recognize them, and I know on some level that they are detrimental to my overall well-being as well as the obvious: my mental health. But they're as impossible to control as they are damaging. Like little voices from within my very soul, they penetrate me from the inside out. "You shouldn't have had that spoon full of ice cream. You're never going to reach your goals at this pace. Sure, you've lost, but you are still heavier than you were even two years ago. What is wrong with you? You have no self-control, no will power, and no ability to conquer this. You're wasting your time. Everyone else knows it. They don't cheer for you anymore. Failure."

The irony is, just like the cartoons I loved when I was young, I seem to have the devil on one shoulder, and an angel on the other. So, at the same time as the negative thoughts are sabotaging my self-esteem, my inner hero is also in full swing: "You've come so far. You're still making overall progress. Don't focus on the negatives, but on the positives. You managed to have only a spoonful of ice cream rather than an entire serving. You're doing it. You're slowly making the right decisions. Don't be discouraged. You're getting to your goals. Prove them all wrong. You can do this. Don't give up."

The monologues in my head create a constant back and forth argument. I often wonder if I've gone completely mad...having insane all out arguments with myself inside my mind. This can't be normal, right?

Regardless of the crazy parade going on in my mind, I'm not giving up. In fact, I have been finding myself to be moderately motivated lately. It is rather peculiar, however; in spite of being motivated and inspired, I still find myself not being fully true to the decisions I know I need to make for success. It's a true testament to exactly how strong of a hold that the sickness (it IS a sickness) has on me, and how deeply the habits and dependencies run. I want to be thin and healthy more than anything. And yet I still find myself consciously making unhealthy choices that keep me from reaching that goal at the pace in which my potential lies. Which leaves me to wonder: is my potential really my potential, or is it an idealistic way of viewing this journey? Am I basing my goals on a purely utopian mind set by not accounting for setbacks, or am I truly just not living up to what I am fully capable of physically and mentally? And I wonder most of all, if I'll ever find those answers. "

This journey, that through the stumbles and falls, I'm somehow still on, has wreaked havoc on me mentally. You'd be amazed how crazy I feel sometimes. You'd also be genuinely horrified at the negativity in my internal monologues. To date, I haven't found a way to revert that. I feel like a failure before I ever start. As I type this, it's happening. The Jekyll/Hyde battle is raging. One side of me is optimistic, and the other side is already prepared for my next failure.

I have joked that I'm a professional dieter. It is completely ridiculous how much I know about nutrition and exercise. I think I could probably rival some of the most well-trained wellness coaches. This is not a matter of not knowing the right things to do. It's a matter of psychologically finding what is stopping me. It's a matter of determination and diligence. And ultimately, it's a matter of perseverance and success. Here's to hoping that success comes sooner rather than later.

Cheating

"Cheat Days" are an interesting topic among the weight loss community, and the feelings on them are varied and go from one extreme to another. I'm not so naive as to think that the way I do things is the only way or the best way, but it's what works for me.

So, do I cheat? Yes.

One way I cheat, is I allow myself a very small (less than 75 calorie) serving of something sweet. Every. Single. Day. Why? Because I have a HUGE sweet tooth. Most nights after dinner I absolutely crave something sweet. If I don't allow myself a small amount of sweet on a regular basis, then it's inevitable that I will eventually break and I will binge on something ridiculous, and it will be UGLY. So instead, each day I have a starburst, or a Dove Chocolate, or any other "small bite" candy we have hidden in the house (because remember, I have to have those hidden away so I won't binge).

The other way I cheat is I allow myself to eat one guilt-free meal a week. Translation: One meal a week I absolutely don't consider calories. Now, I do set a few limitations with this. For example, if I eat pizza, I have 1 large or 2 small slices and then I have some veggies or a salad to fill me up. Or I'll drink a full glass of water before eating to help facilitate potion control. I also offset a little from days that I have my cheat meal by getting in some extra activity or a second workout. It typically doesn't offset ALL the additional calories, but it does help.

I have dieted off and on for 10 years of my life, and this time I don't want to "diet" but find ways to change my lifestyle. There is no way that I will be able to for the rest of my life never eat pizza or Zaxby's again. So the best way for me to make this permanent is treat it the way I would long term. What it boils down to is an 80/20 rule. Eighty percent of the time, I eat healthy choices, whole foods, etc. And twenty percent of the time, I splurge. And that's what is working for me right now.

Now for the disclaimer (you had to know there was going to be one). This is the way that I am able to most successfully lose weight to date. It is what is working for me. There are those people who literally can't have a little of something or a cheat meal, because it's a gateway to bad decisions...they just can't quit. What makes weight loss so difficult, is you have to search to find what works best for you, because what works for me, or the masses, may not work for you. It's a trial and error process, and what makes that difficult is you can't give up during the errors. You have to accept failure as part of the process and learn from it to determine what your program should look like. In a phrase, just because cheating like this works for me, doesn't mean it will work for you. And now we know why the opinions vary widely on this subject.

The most important thing I can say about cheating, and anything having to do with weight loss, is it's extremely personal. You have to work to personalize a program that works for you. Be willing to try different things, and be willing to fail; because in the end, you will win with a program that helps you reach all of your goals.

Phase 1/Round 1 Weigh In and Measurements

PHASE 1: DONE! Here are all my weigh in and measurements:

Phase One and Monday Weigh In Stats:
P90X Start Weight: 280.0
Last Weight: 271.4
Current Weight: 269.5

Weekly Loss: -1.9
Total P90X Loss: -10.5

Start BMI: 42.3
Current BMI: 41.1

Measurement Stats:
Waist:
Start: 49.25
Current: 43.5
Loss: -5.75
Hips:
Start: 59
Current: 54
Loss: -5
Chest:
Start: 49
Current: 46
Loss: -3
Right and Left Arms:
Start: 16
Current: 15.5
Loss (combined): -1
Right and Left Thighs:
Start: 28
Current: 25.5
Loss (combined): -5

Total Inches Lost Phase 1: -19.75

I know that's a lot of information to take in, but it's all pertinent information to show the progress of my journey. I couldn't ask for more exciting news than the progress that is shown not only on my scale but in my measurements. I can't wait to begin Phase 2 of P90X today and see what the next 30 days holds for me! I'm doing it! I'm doing it! I'M DOING IT!!!

...Like Taking Candy From A Baby

Sometimes this journey is hard, and I have definitely done my fair share of being transparent about those tough moments. However, if my entire jouney was tough moments, stumbling, and downfalls, I would ultimately get discouraged and give up. Weight loss definitely has its ebb and flow, and I have officially landed in an ebb!

At this particular moment in my journey, things are easily falling into place. I'm eating lean proteins and whole foods. I'm choosing whole grains over flour. I'm steaming vegetables. I'm using portion control. My workouts are coming easily. I'm accomplishing things that I haven't been able to accomplish before. I'm seeing improved flexibility and stamina. My motivation is through the roof - and so is my energy. I look forward to getting my sweat on every day. I'm pushing harder and farther. Everything is AWESOME!

Granted, at some point in time, the other shoe will drop, and I will inevitably find myself in the flow, and struggling to push forward. But at this point in time, I am so enjoying the ebb!

Not Feelin' The Love, Mr. Cable Man.

So, my internet service is supposed to be 16 megs...and for the past week or so, it's been running at 0.6, or 0.4. Which has meant, of course, that it was slower than dial up, and EVERYTHING timed out. Talk about frustrating.

I've had posts, some of which I'll save for a later date, but I will condense all the pertenant information into one blog post here.

Monday Weigh In Stats:
P90X Start Weight: 280.0
Last Weight: 272.4
Current Weight: 271.4

Weekly Loss: -1
Total P90X Loss: -8.6

Concerning my loss, I have officially crossed over 40 pounds down since I first started working to lose 4 months ago! I am so excited and proud at the progress that I am making, and it's awesome to know that I'm doing it - I'm REALLY doing it! Sure the journey has been a battle, and yes, I have had ups and downs. But I am making the overall progress that I have been working toward, and who can complain about that?!

This week is my fourth week of P90X, and therefore, recovery week. I'm really enjoying this week, and I'm VERY excited for my weigh in, measurements, and photos on Monday. I know that I will be able to see changes in my body, because I can feel the changes taking place in my body. I am getting stronger. I have more energy. I'm hungrier (but making better choices!). But the biggest change? I'm making time for myself, which is huge. I definitely have always been one of those Mommies who put everyone in the family and everything else first. I am making a conscious effort every day to work out and SHOWER (Oh my GOSH! A daily shower!! No small feat with a tween, a preschooler and an infant!) and just take a few moments for my health and sanity amongst the chaos.

This journey is bringing about a whole new mindset, and that is why I am going to ultimately be successful. I don't feel guilty for putting myself in my line of priorities. I don't feel guilty for "overlooking" the kids for an hour each day to do my workouts. I don't feel guilty for telling my family and friends that I'm losing weight, and need to be conscious of what I'm eating. I'm embracing the changes that this new lifestyle is bringing with it.

Onward and Upward, and continuing to press play. :)