Thursday, March 25, 2010
I see her. Every time I close my eyes and think of myself, she's there. And she's beautiful. Unfortunately, as soon as I open my eyes and look at a photograph of myself, or catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror, a stranger stares back at me and she's gone. You see, the me that I "see" inside just doesn't match the me I see outside.
Inside I'm sassy. I'm fashionable. I'm curvy. I'm attractive. I'm sexy - a vintage, classic, ageless sexy - like a Gil Elvgren pinup.
Outside, the fact is, I'm 280 pounds on my 5'8" frame. My body is the right shape - I actually do have an hourglass figure - but the proportion is TOTALLY off. I need to be less than half of me to match the me I see inside. I try to be fashionable and cute, but let's be totally honest here: for whatever reason, designers just don't feel that fashions apply to the overweight. And what is cute on a small frame is NOT always cute on mine.
"There's a difference between interest and committment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results." ~ Kenneth Blanchard
I've been overweight since the birth of my first child, ten years ago. And for ten years now, I've been "interested" in losing weight. Ten years wasted on a rollercoaster of losses and gains; ups and downs. I've lost 30 pounds - multiple times. And I've gained it back, and more, every time. I've succumbed to emotional eating, putting me at more than 130 pounds overweight and 160 pounds over my lowest weight. My goal lies somewhere ambiguously between the two.
I'm done being "interested" in losing the weight. I have a pinup girl inside me. And I'm ready for her to come out of this shell. My name is Deanna. And I'm here to prove to myself that my reflection can and will match the pinup I am inside.